修行經驗(十) - 進度 (Practice Experience (10) - Progress)

筆者自己呢，從小到大的脾氣就很差

很容易因為一些小事就生氣

生氣以後因為不知道怎麼處理

常常一氣就氣很久

至於生氣的程度呢

更是誇張，有事沒事就希望世界毀滅

現在自己想起來都覺得很荒謬

很多明明就是沒什麼大不了的事

在當時就是會無止盡的放大憤怒

即使心裡知道不應該

現在呢

還是會因為一些小事生氣

只不過程度上沒這麼誇張了

頂多只是想把人痛打一頓而已

當然也不可能真的去做

就是心裡想想

隨著不斷地觀察自己的心

也越來越了解自己

在乎的是什麼

重視的是什麼

討厭的是什麼

想要的是什麼

有的時候定力夠，就看著煩惱生起又滅掉

有的時候定力不夠，就看著自己造惡業

看著自己被煩惱操控

有的時候善果生起

就看著自己造善業

看待許多的事情也不太像以前非黑即白

而是對於因果有更多的敬畏

花更多的時間在自己的舉止動念上

因為越來越清楚自己

對於他人的行為舉止越來越不在乎

跟他人的互動也越來越沒興趣

越來越享受獨處的時間

心裡同時也明白，那個我還在

願各位幸福無煩惱

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As for myself,
my temper has been bad ever since I was young.

I would get angry very easily over trivial matters.
And once anger arose,
because I didn’t know how to deal with it,
I would often stay angry for a long time.

As for the intensity—
it was rather extreme.
At times, for no real reason at all,
I would even wish for the world to be destroyed.

Looking back now,
it all feels quite absurd.

Many of those things were clearly insignificant,
yet at the time,
the anger would be endlessly magnified,
even though I knew in my heart that it shouldn’t be so.

Now,
I still get angry over small things,
but the intensity is no longer that extreme.
At most,
there might be a thought of wanting to punch someone.

Of course,
that’s not something I would actually do—
it’s just a thought passing through the mind.

Through continuous observation of my own mind,
I’ve come to understand myself more and more:
What I care about,
what I value,
what I dislike,
what I desire.

Sometimes, when samādhi is sufficient,
I simply watch the kilesa arise and pass away.

Other times, when it isn’t,
I watch myself creating unwholesome kamma.

Watching myself being controlled by defilements.

At times when wholesome results arise,
I watch myself creating wholesome kamma.

Gradually,
I no longer view things in such black-and-white terms as before.
Instead,
there is a deeper sense of reverence toward kamma and vipāka (cause and result).

More time is spent observing my own actions and intentions.

As I become clearer about myself,
I care less and less about the behavior of others.
Interactions with others also become less interesting.

I increasingly enjoy being alone.
At the same time, I also know clearly in my heart that the sense of ‘I’ is still there.

May everyone be happy and free from suffering.